Eurovision '10.

Wie jedes Jahr erwartet uns nächste Woche der entzückend geschmacklose Eurovision Song Contest, und wie jedes Jahr habe ich auch diesmal mein musikalisches Wohlbefinden geopfert, um herauszufinden, wie schrecklich alles wirklich ist. Schließlich gab es in den zurückliegenden Wettbewerben immer ein paar hörbare, jeweils zwei oder drei wirklich gute und einen ganzen Haufen in ihrer Grausamkeit höchst amüsante Beiträge. Leider bietet das diesjährige Programm eher viel Langeweile und nur einen herausragenden Titel. My two cents, auf Englisch, weil ich wieder mal zu faul zum Übersetzen bin:

Albania: The beginning beat promised more than the awful chorus delivers. Is the sailor with the absendminded look and the Soviet-Union-Memorial-Beard in the woods supposed to be a metaphor? Because I don't get him.

Armenia: POETRY ALARM. Because it rhymes. I'm most impressed with Eva's thundering chin nod and her manager's spectaluspastic dancing - he's feeling it. Bonus: I misheard "may God bless and keep my cherished fruit" as "cherry fruit". Go figure.

Azerbaijan: It's a ballad, involving the lines "...and it's breaking my heart" as well as "and I'll love you forever". Original crap there. The video is not very subtle about ripping off Rihanna and the song will garner a lot of votes from the male audience.

Belarus: As seen before, in every Eurovision to date. Added value: cheap CGI that makes you freak out that the singers might swallow some of the butterflies.

Belgium: A decent pop song that might go somewhere.

Bosnia & Herzegovina: Jon Bon Jovi. Go away. (Not sure what's up with the uninspired clapping people that run on stage at the end of the video, but they seem to think the same about the song.)

Bulgaria: Ohhhohhhohhhohoooohoooooh. Some awkward moments besides the horrible chorus, but I like the theme tune a bit. Either he or the Swiss guy Wins the male gay vote.

Croatia: They touch their hair a lot, but trust me when I say that even I can do that in a sexually more appealing way. The song itself gets more interesting halfway in, the singers don't. The heart at the end of the video made me cringe.

Cyprus: Hahahaha, the video! It looks like it was shot by pubescent fans and put on YouTube. Somewhere, George Lucas is taking notes for a another Star Wars movie. The music fits accordingly.

Denmark: Something is rotten in the state of Denmark. Judging by this and the entries of the last few years, I get the feeling it's the music industry. I rest easier knowing this will utterly fail even in the semi-final.

Estonia: My favourite song, by far. Reminiscent of Tears For Fears and Talking Heads and topped off with a clever video - unfortunately, it doesn't fit to the contest.

Finland: The Finns discover that there's more than "metal" and Eurodance and it's a change for the better: a pleasant East-European tune that probably gets even better with alcohol and lyrics which, judging by the singers' faces, must be really ironic.

France: After the musically excellent but unsuccessful entries of the last years, France delivers BOUNCYNESS and SUMMER and BADABADABAMDABAMDABAMBAMBAM. Insert Jean-Luc Picard facepalm here. Saving grace: the parts sung by a girl sound like Vive la Fête.

Georgia: A ballad, featuring half of Georgia's annual electricity consumption.

Germany: Stop moving about like an idiot, kiddo. Behold, Germany actually manages to send a song I don't dislike. I wouldn't go as far as saying that I like the song either, though.

Greece: The contrast between the intro, building up Giorgos and his biker gang and the actual song had me in stitches. But I like fags, and I like ethno beats. A likely contender for winning this year, and one I can agree with.

Iceland: So Iceland finally sent Björk. Too bad it's not the one we all love dearly and too bad I am now very, very frightened of chins. Good fucking job, Iceland. Eyjafjallajökull and Hera, it's not been a very good year for your international standing. Won't qualify for the final.

Ireland: It's a ballad. Move on, nothing to see or hear here.

Israel: Another uninspiring ballad that's not nearly as good as the 2008 song by Boaz Mauda. The girl's choice of the evening.

Latvia: Making big eyes at the camera: she's cute and knows it. The song is okay until the chorus sets in, which is a lesson in boredom and makes it largely forgettable.

Lithuania: Quickly gets on my nerves and leaves me wondering what's the point of entering a band that sounds like it could be from anywhere. Won't be appreciated by the Eurovision audience either.

Macedonia: Thank you, Former Yugoslavian Republic, for reminding us that Europe listened to a melange of bad rock and even worse hip-hop ten years ago.

Malta: Peace is so yesterday, Thea, as is your haircut. I was about to make fun of her dress, which appears to have been washed a little too often in the Soviet Union when, all of a sudden, something that I can only describe as a moth crawled out. Point proven. Will (peacefully) battle it out with Belarus for the Gay CGI Award.

Moldova: A sunstroke, indeed. Trust the smallest nations to keep alive Eurodance. I can finally understand why Transnistria wants to break away and fully support their notion for humanitarian reasons. Thankfully won't make it to the finals.

Netherlands: Dear Dutch people: I demand an apology. The case has been forwarded to Den Haag.

Norway: Didrik dramatically fails at singing and looking erotically into the camera (of which there are many: I suppose he spent most of his time rehearsing their positions). Bonus points for the Feeling Hand and Fist - performance standards that should not be forgotten.

Poland: Starting off promising with ethno elements, the song quickly degenerates into an endlessly repeated unendurable chorus. Should have been on the Katyn plane.

Portugal: A hilarious inability to act in front of the camera (watch that turn in the beginning!) and Feeling Hand clearly mark this as the favourite in the official Awful Ballad Contest.

Romania: Michael Jackson has risen from the dead to form the second half of this male duo. The beginning tune is not too shabby, but gets mauled by the irrelevant singing.

Russia: Very different from the previous Russian entries, but for the most part, rather enjoyable. I have a feeling it won't do very well in the contest though.

Serbia: It's Goran fucking Bregović! And a genetically modified Chinese albino warrior of the future, or at least some very similar creature. Sadly, the combination fails on uncountable levels.

Slovakia: She needs to lose the weird fantasy armour, for various reasons. A song that I expected to gain a little speed, which it could have used to become more interesting, but that still works okay the way it is. Does have chances to win.

Slovenia: What the fuck? An awkward amalgam of (seemingly?) traditional folk and bad rock music (including a 70s haircrime), which should never, under any circumstances, have happened.

Spain: Disqualified for looking like the singer of Toploader.

Sweden: Surely this is the girl from Latvia? The song is as boring too.

Switzerland: Shamelessly (and far less elegantly) ripping off a Tocotronic video and rainbows: the Swiss unenthusiastically present a gay man.

Turkey: Serious business. Flags, and barbed wire, and shit. Really.

Ukraine: More serious business. The inflationary use of images of Prypiat is getting old, but at least the song is decent. As usual, Ukraine is also fishing for the men's vote. Could do well.

United Kingdom: Just fuck off, will you?.

Enjoyable songs: Belgium, Estonia (!), Greece.
Endurabe songs: Finland, Germany, Slovakia, Ukraine.
Potential winners: Greece, Slovakia, Ukraine.

(Sinnvollste vorstellbare Pfingsmontagnachmittagsbeschäftigung? Ja.)